adjustments

Well, definitely a bit of an update is due. We’re doing alright, but the last several weeks have brought some significant changes and unwanted excitement to our land.

Probably just over four weeks ago I started to feel less well overall. My energy was decreasing, as well as my ability to eat and drink much of substance. I actually do feel hungry still, but I get full-feeling ridiculously quickly, and it makes it uncomfortable in the aftermath of eating or drinking.

Meanwhile we were in the thick of trying to sort things out for the clinical trial in Toronto; we were down there several times for pre-appointments to try and see if I would ultimately be a match for the trial process. During some of those appointments they were worried about my iron levels, as well as some growing abdominal pain and distention. I had an iron infusion to try and boost my hemoglobin levels so they could match the requirements for the trial, but as it happened, on the day it mattered, the levels were too low and it all came to naught.
I felt okay about not ending up in the trial to be honest. It feels like something completely out of our control in so many ways, which makes it okay for me to release that wholly to God’d holding and direction. It was going to be a lot of trips into the city for all the parts of it over and over, and also we still wouldn’t have even been guaranteed the actual new drug. So it all wrapped at that end, and we shifted our treatment perspective back to a new chemo regimen out of Credit Valley instead.

As we shifted mentally towards that new treatment schedule, I started to have some very rough days: a lot of pain, not able to eat much at all, vomiting, weakness, general awfulness. It became quite un-functional, and we did end up going to emerge at one point to check about an abdominal blockage. Emerge in the middle of the night was unfortunately no help, but things settled out, and we were seeing our doctor the next day, so we just let it be.

We went ahead with one round of the new chemo then a couple of weeks ago, and it wasn’t so bad. It’s a more mild, more spread-out regimen, so I’m sure I was worn out from it all, but the after-effects of that go didn’t seem to be that dramatic.
The days did deteriorate more from there though, and by the time we were heading back for checkins for the next week of chemo, I was in pretty rough shape arriving at the hospital.

So last week, after bloodwork and seeing our doctor I ended up admitted to the oncology care ward and we settled in for a few days of regrouping and trying to sort out what exactly was going on. It was both relieving somehow and also alarming to get admitted. We definitely weren’t quite coping at home, so it seemed like a good idea to get some support, but it was also felt intense to arrive at the point of needing to be in the hospital. There was some quick discussion around care decisions that felt pretty big, and we sort of just held our breath, and held on for the ride, not really sure what to expect in terms of what was coming.

Nevertheless, we were very thankful for the care. They quickly got me on fluids and meds and I began to feel better already that first evening. I ended up in hospital for four days, during which they did a few small procedures to try and alleviate and treat some symptoms. They also did scans to check for blockages and see if putting in a stent would be helpful. The scope showed no blockage at this time, which was good news.

We’re so thankful for wonderful family and friends who jumped into gear to help with the kids and so many other life details with such a sudden shift of plans. Things settled out over a few days and we were able to make our way back home. It is very good to be back in our own space, and to have a bit of a plan now for some ongoing nursing support at home as well.

And so now we slowly do the work of adjustments.
I’ve been thankful for a fairly quiet, slow space, to let it all settle out and begin to process through. It feels like a catching up to where we are, and that there is a need for grace and gentleness as we rediscover our footing for these next days and weeks.

My abdomen is pretty severely distended; it effectually makes me look and move around like I’m about eight and half months pregnant…. so that’s not so awesome :s
My capacity to go out is very limited as I don’t have the stamina to walk far at all, and in terms of food we’re staying with an almost exclusively liquid diet to keep things digesting well. So it’s been quite a shift - seems wild to think it was really not that many weeks ago we were going out with friends for dinner, taking day trips with the kids, easily running a few errands. Definitely an adjustment…

And friends, it’s pretty hard. It has felt like a lot. I’m crying with just about every nurse and lovely person who’s talking us though these different pieces and so graciously asking how we’re doing as we go. It feels like quite a few big losses all at once - not able to eat, not able to go, not quite able all the time to be available and present with my family. And I’m really not a fan of any of it.

So trying to embrace some stillness in the space of feeling all the things. It’s not really okay, and then, it is somehow at the same time. This is the miraculous, wondrous truth of our present and faithful God with us in every piece. What a grace.

photo credit: Annie Spratt from Unsplash

God is faithfully meeting me in all these spaces - speaking reminders of his care and provision, holding my tears with such gentleness, speaking his deep love for me and for my beloved ones. Promising his continued sustaining and strength as we go forward - in more ways than I can ask or imagine.

It’s my birthday today; I turned 44… and so ends my one month glory time of being two whole years younger than Nathan ;)
And truly, I woke up feeling quite bright - the sunshine coming through the window, a gorgeous day, feeling pretty well and ready to step into what the day would hold, which as it happens was a chemo treatment and a nursing visit lol. But the hope, the lightness, the presence of love with us as we go, feels like such deep grace. I’m not giant on birthdays, but it definitely feels important to notice and mark the gift of life in the midst of these days.

One of the meanings on my name is “Lady of Victory,” coming from the laurel-leaf crown in ancient Rome that was given to honour the victorious. And now again, a crown of victory on my head as a personal identifier is not actually a natural landing spot for me lol. I would choose the more hover-in-the-background variety of headwear if necessary…
But Jesus has been speaking to me about who I am in him, and I keep coming back to that image.
In him, I am victorious.
In him, I stand confidently in hope and honour.
In him, I am fully found.

So we’ll keep on staying there too. Held. Seen. Known. Loved.

Wanted to share this beautiful prayer I read in my devotional this morning; it was a gorgeous way to step into the day:

Gracious Heavenly Father
How majestic You are.
You paint the sky in darkness,
sprinkled with stars,
then,
oh so gently,
one ray of sunlight after another,
You usher in the daylight,
and the hope of a new beginning.

With you, each new day is a new beginning.
With you, each moment overflows with hope.

You are the light of the world.
You dispel darkness.

May your love shine in me today.

Together, may we dispel darkness,
and oh so gently,
one ray of hope after another,
usher in Godlight,
illuminating this world with the light of your love.


And a promise to return to again and again from Lamentations 3:22-24:
The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!”


Feeling the deep truths of these promises and prayer today, and I’m so thankful.
Trusting in their truth for tomorrow and all the days to come.
Knowing so assuredly that as we keep on adjusting and carrying on forward, that we have all that we need because of who God is.

Thanks for following along, lovely friends.
Thank you for your continued prayers and love. We know they are carrying us faithfully also xo

Laura