april 23, 2021
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One week later and it is starting to feel like the end of chemo is within reach and not just sight.
It has not been a great week, as expected, and I'm not feeling awesome yet, but little pieces start to be done.
The worst of the pain & discomfort are finished, and I can almost taste my morning tea again - not quite, but it's close, and that feels hopeful.
Sometime in the middle of a sibling disagreement a couple of weeks ago, Charlie came running inside, so upset, crying and frustrated. It was a situation he was definitely at least 50% responsible for, but nonetheless he was feeling incredibly misunderstood and collapsed sobbing into my arms on the stairs.
Lots of times I have words of correction for my kids... I'm never short on words it seems :) but in this moment, I just held him, let him cry, let him breathe and feel.
Of course, both pieces are good and needed in parenting and I'm definitely not an expert on the balance. We muddle our way along like everyone else and try to love our crazy crew well by both correction and grace.
But it struck me again in that moment how healing it is sometimes to just be - with no pressure, agenda or words needed. To be held, to feel the things, to be in the presence of someone who loves you.
As I emerge from the fog of the post-chemo week, I have been feeling again the gentle invitation from Jesus to just be with him. It's a place I know will renew, heal and restore; a place I love in fact, but I still need to make the choice to be intentionally present to it. To rest, to feel, to be in the presence of someone who loves me.
It is the thing we all need.
I've been reading bits again from a book called Following Jesus by Henri Nouwen. It was actually published fairly recently, after Nouwen's death, but was compiled from several different talks he gave and it is quite a wonderful book in my opinion.
In the beginning, Nouwen is talking about what it looks like to respond to the invitation to follow Jesus and writes that primarily it means to Listen, Ask, and Dwell.
He says we are invited to listen to those who point to Jesus, that it's not something we're meant to do on our own. Also, that we are invited to ask the questions that surface as we spend time with Jesus - to fully feel all the questions, to live them with gentleness and to not be afraid to ask God to show himself to us. And then that we are invited to dwell with Jesus - to just be with him. To abide, to remain, to be in the presence of his love for us.
Nouwen writes this:
Be with him and listen. Listen to the One who invites you. Be quiet. Like a child dwells in the house with her mother and father. Just dwell. Play around. Be there. A half hour a day. Is it possible? Is it possible for half an hour? Just be there. Sit there and do nothing. Waste time with Jesus. This is what love does. Love always wants to be with her lover. You want to be there. Enjoy it. "It is so good to be here with you, Jesus" (Mark 9:5)
Slowly, we discover that we are building a home in the Lord and that we are in his house not just for the half hour but for the whole day. We are always in the House of the Lord. We are in the place of the Lord wherever we are, whatever we do. We are already home.
Even when we are on the way to your house we are home.
Don't say, "I am too busy." Don't say, "I have better things to do." Just be there. Every day. Pray and discover. We can live in this hostile, competitive world and be at home.
Listen, ask, and dwell, and you will slowly grow in Jesus.
I know that we can hear this invitation or encouragement with guilt or pressure, but let's choose not to :) God's invitation is with gentleness, faithfulness, and patience. It looks like love. It feels like rest and ease.
Come and be.
I am feeling the invitation - knowing God has not left me for a minute in the past week, knowing I have been in the middle of his love the whole time. He invites me to abide there, to notice and to receive his love so that my heart and body can fully feel the release and restoration it brings.
Time to be fully present again to the healing of being held. And I know that spending time with Jesus is the way that I learn to love others as well. That as I rest in his heart, I will feel compelled to share it with others too.
And oh it will also be in the middle of the day's realities - PD Day in a pandemic :) but that's not too much for Jesus either.
In other updates, I met with the surgeon again this week to circle back to that part of the plan. Mostly it was to confirm that we are going ahead with the double mastectomy as soon as my body is ready - so there isn't a date set yet for the surgery but it will be in the next 3-4 weeks. I also ended up having an MRI yesterday; this was the test that got missed earlier on when I was having a reaction to something else.
Both of these appointments were a bit of a thing to get to and through as I'm still battling back in terms of energy and wellness. However, we made it with the help of wonderful friends and the weekend will feel like a good breather before stepping back in to some other appointments and preparations next week.
Carrying on :) Abiding and carrying on.
It's enough and it's good.
Blessings friends. Praying you have a wonderful weekend and that know God's delight and love for you today xo
