april 28, 2021
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hey team,
My appointment with the plastic surgeon is later today and even though I've been fairly settled in my choice about not having reconstruction from the beginning, I've been reading a lot in the last few days to get ready for the appointment and it has led to quite a funk.
It's pretty hideous things to wade through - not the end of the world by any stretch, but still really hard and very emotional.
It's so much easier to let our minds linger on either the past or the future. I can easily slide into fixating on what has been - diagnosis, biopsy, chemo, hair loss... or I can equally be overwhelmed by thought about what's still coming - surgery, recovery, lasting changes to my body...
but, (glorious word) as in all things, Jesus gently invites me again to turn my attention to him, to invite him into this space with me and to know his love, provision and sustaining for my body as well as my soul.
It's easier for me to settle my heart on Jesus being the one who steadies and grounds my heart and mind.
Sometimes I think I don't think about my body in the same way. I don't think about my body that much at all to be honest... sort of like a car, I just expect it to work when I need it to, and I'm sure it's a sign of privilege that I have not had to think much of my body before this diagnosis. I've been generally well, and have not really previously had the experience of having my body limit my capacity in any way. I have been pregnant quite a bit, which is its own type of body-learning experience, but even in that experience my body was okay on the whole and I probably took for granted how amazingly it came through 4 pregnancies and births in 5 years.
As I've been reading and taking in all kinds of information about the surgery and reconstruction options, the truth is none of them are any good. Like the chemo and its implications, this is not something anyone would choose, and it's hard to not get stuck in the sadness and the loss that is still to come.
There is a learning that is slowly happening about the intersections of body & soul - a richness that is still being uncovered as I learn through my body, living faith with skin on, that I know is still coming and making its way to the surface...
Yesterday, though, I felt Jesus gently remind that I can fix my eyes and heart on him in the middle of this reality.
That his assurances of peace, provision and alongside-ness are not somehow exempt from the very real questions and realities of my body in these days. It might seem obvious in some ways... naturally the promises of God are not limited or restricted, but it was an important thing for me to remember and hold again this week.
Are there places where you are trying to manage or cope without Jesus? Places where you're trying to gather enough information or options to find the best way forward in your own strength? Difficulties you unknowingly have put outside of the realm of the goodness and provision that Jesus offers?
It's so very unnecessary for us to go it alone in this way.
And Jesus' invitation to be strong and courageous comes afresh; not as a heavy, guilt-laden ask, but as a gentle, relieving reminder that we have access to everything that he is as his beloved children.
We can be strong and brave because we are his - it's a restful courage that is so very freeing and empowering.
Yet again, I want to invite Jesus into the full truth of what I'm feeling and facing.
To hear his promises and invitations for my body and the decisions and conversations that this week holds.
And friends, as I surrender the questions, the grief, the truth of all that I am feeling and holding to him again - his peace, assurances and love come like a flood. None of this has been absent, but as I notice his closeness, I can experience the reality of his care fully. As I come, and quiet my heart and mind, I experience the reality of his abundant presence.
You're welcome to listen in and hold these truths & promises again with me too:
Psalm 18:4-6
The rope of death entangled me; floods of destruction swept over me.
The grave wrapped its ropes around me; death laid a trap in my path.
But in my distress, I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help.
He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears.
Deuteronomy 31:6-8
So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before this. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.
Romans 12:1-2
And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he had done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice - the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don't copy the behaviour and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn t know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
Philippians 4:6-9
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
And a song :) - an invitation to be who we are, and to live from the truth of that inheritance and provision every day.
C'mon! Ready to face the day with joy & purpose from this starting place.
Come on - Brooke Poindexter
Author of my faith, and finisher of my story
I can run this race 'cause Jesus ran it before me
And He is on my side, I have everything that I need
If you listen close you'll hear heaven cheering for me
Come on, come on
Children of God, be who you are
No fear can shake us, no lie can break us
Only You can make us be who we are
We're the sons and daughters, we're the water walkers
Come and help us, Father be who we are
