april 8, 2021
This content was migrated from its original post, found here:
https://www.caringbridge.org/site/90978051-037d-3b2f-872d-5625846183cd/post/65f38cee-3656-3532-9286-7d68536e2390
Hi friends,
I hope you are well. The sunshine and warmer temperatures can't help but bring a lift, and I hope you're finding sweet moments of joy & peace in the middle of these challenging days.
I'm doing well. The coming back to myself feels nearly complete again; I'm even wearing jeans, which is a definite sign of a readiness for the day :)
For all of these recovery days I do get worn out very quickly. My capacity for tasks and even mental effort continues to be lessened and it's a challenge some days to not feel discouraged or agitated by that. I have also been making silly mental mistakes - forgetting, doing it wrong, not able to rely on myself to hold the details together... which is also not a reality I enjoy.
However, I am carrying on - and really we are doing well in the midst of everything.
I've put a few pictures of my headwear these days for you to enjoy :) I think I was taking pictures of myself to get used to the no-hair reality of right now. It's a continued adjustment for sure, but has been okay really too and I'm grateful for your prayers in all the pieces, big and small.
I have been thinking some about being courageous in the last little bit...
It's a word that others have used to describe me during this season, and something in me both longs for the label and yet also feels resistance to it.
I think because surviving doesn't feel very courageous... it feels like just holding on, sometimes only barely.
However, I am wondering if in fact I have had it wrong yet again - or rather, if God is showing me again the both/and of what it looks like to be brave in the face of difficulty.
The picture that comes to my mind when I think of courage is from The Chronicles of Narnia. Now, early disclaimer, unlike my avid reading siblings, I have not actually read this whole series and much of what I remember about the story is actually from a movie instead, so I'm no expert. Nonetheless, I have a mental picture of the battle from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe that stands out vividly in my mind. I imagine the courage that it would have taken for these children to stand before a vast, menacing army with their small weapons and face what was coming.
Of course, they were not alone. And the presence, power and equipping of Aslan makes all the difference to their readiness and willingness to enter the fray.
I think I have hesitated to draw a comparison between myself and this picture of courage because my 'battle' with cancer feels much less grand or dramatic. Instead of boldly facing a menacing army, I'm mostly curled up in bed and watching cheesy things on Netflix.
However, I have come to realize that it does in fact take a great deal of courage & strength to carry on some days - and not just to survive, but to choose hope & purpose & to persevere in believing lightness will return again. It is definitely not always an easy place to get to.
I am also seeing how it's important to notice and celebrate these moments of courage and strength so that we believe they are truly a part of who we are. We are not weak, frail or hopeless, though we may feel that way in some moments. But instead of letting it define how we see ourselves, we need to listen to who God says we are - strong, created for a purpose and beloved by him. We need to see ourselves this way, even in the middle of our darkest moments and we need to mirror that love & purpose to those around us as well so that they too can believe it of themselves.
"In all things, we are more than conquerors through him who loves us." Romans 8:37.
So today, I think that courage looks like carrying on. Strength looks like choosing hope and living with purpose.
Regardless of what your days are holding right now, I'm betting there are many small moments of courage and strength. We are carrying on through a hard, long season, that everyone wants to be done with.
But let's choose hope afresh together - not just for a future that's to come, but for this very day.
Where can you choose to trust in God's equipping? Where can you persevere instead of giving up? Where can you step into fresh purpose, knowing that Jesus is alongside you and will give you everything you need to carry forward?
It doesn't need to be big or grand. In fact, it might feel very small; but that doesn't mean it's not brave.
And as you choose to trust and carry on with whatever is in front of you, God is able to use your readiness and willingness to bring his light & love to the world around you.
"Courage, dear heart." or "Carry on, beloved one."
Jesus whispers it to each of us again today xo
