march 31, 2021
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I've emerged again from the worst of the days of this round, feeling slightly beaten up in the process :) but carrying on.
Thank you for your prayers, encouragements and kindness.
My last round of chemo is scheduled for April 16th; it will be so very good to come through the end of this part.
I can still feel the weight of the hard days right now, so it seems daunting to think about another round of the same, but I know that God will lift up, strengthen and sustain and that we'll be ready for it when it comes.
I admit, my mind has also begun to turn towards the surgery and other pieces that are still ahead. But as a beautiful answer to prayer I find myself consistently able to set aside worry and fear and trust that God will provide the peace & assurances I need at each step of the way.
There is so much to be thankful for - the days are slow and strange, but there is so so much to be grateful for.
One of the ongoing gifts that I'm thankful for is the abundance of care that we continue to receive. Through meals, flowers, cards, messages, and many other thoughtful details we are receiving love in so many different ways and we are incredibly thankful for the lift and encouragement that it brings. Thank you xo
There have been moments too though, when receiving lovely kindness from friends, I find myself overwhelmed with emotion - almost smacked in the face with the depths of feeling that lie under the surface much of the time.
It's in parallel to how when I'm upset my Dad just has to look at me, or say my name, and the tears come - the true feelings quickly arising in the face of love.
And there's something uncomfortable about finding myself in that place. We don't often like to feel our own need, or our own grief.
It can be very hard to receive - there is a humility and a vulnerability to being in need that is not desired by us for sure.
God has been teaching me how to receive the love that is given and not try to turn away from it. To feel the need so that I can also experience the gift of love - it's uncomfortable, but it's quite beautiful too.
In the middle of this I remember again that Jesus calls us blessed when we're aware of our need for him.
We can't receive the love and grace and kindness of others if we don't share our needs. And we can't receive the gift of love & hope from Jesus if we don't feel our lack without him.
Cancer forces the hand a bit for sure - hard to hide a bald head :) but it's a lesson that I want to let sink in much deeper; I want to hold on to the truth of letting my own needs usher me into a deeper understanding of God's love for me & others.
Several times over the last few weeks, the story of Jesus washing the disciples feet has continued to pop up in various ways. Some friends and I were looking at it together and talking about the uncomfortable process of having someone else wash your feet - how it kind of makes you squirm and we'd much rather just do it ourselves.
But in the week leading up to Easter, where we find ourselves now, Jesus makes a point of washing his disciples feet.
In John 13, Jesus lowers himself to care for and tend to his friends, showing them that loving with humility & serving is the way to follow his example. He also teaches his disciples an important lesson about receiving that kind of care and reminds Peter that in order to belong to Jesus, he needs to be ready to humbly receive as well.
I don't know about you, but I could use some tending to right now. I am bruised and broken-down and weary.
I am tired enough to feel my own need deeply and would love for Jesus to come and wash my feet and tell me it's going to be okay. Guaranteed I would ball my eyes out, (crying already right now), and it would be uncomfortable and hard - but I want to belong to Jesus and to know his love in all the broken parts of myself, even when it hurts at first.
He is, of course, close now and extending his love and gentleness in so many ways.
He wants to show this kind of love to you too. Your need is not too much for him. He wants to tend to your brokenness, whatever it may be, and show you how much he loves you. And then he wants to invite you to tend to those around you as well - sharing the abundance of need that we all have, and receiving the outpouring of love & grace that comes as Jesus looks on us and calls our names with love.
Praying you know his love and care richly this week as we celebrate Easter xo
