january 27, 2021
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Good morning friends,
Thanks so much for your kind words of encouragement and support.
In some ways, it feels uncomfortable to me to continue to draw so much attention to this one thing that is happening; it feels a bit self-important and there's some tension in me between the value of sharing with community, both for myself and others, and my dislike of talking about myself so much.
So... that's my disclaimer for this morning :) but choosing again to say to Jesus that I'm here and happy to speak and share the things on my heart, trusting he can use it to encourage others or draw them closer to him today.
Yesterday was a harder day. I had my appointments with both the medical and radiation oncologists, and even though there wasn't really any new or unexpected information, it felt more real somehow to hear it from more doctors and I found myself feeling sad and overwhelmed for much of the afternoon.
The medical oncologist, Dr. Myers, wants to run several different tests this week to ensure my body is in a good spot to start the chemotherapy and also to establish a baseline so they can monitor the effects of the chemo on several different systems.
Because of the Li Fraumeni, radiation isn't actually a great treatment option. There is an increased risk that the radiation can cause secondary cancers and right now all doctor are agreeing that it would be best to pursue a course of treatment that avoids radiation if possible. I feel pretty okay about that.
So, there's a bit more waiting for the actual chemotherapy to start - probably in a couple of weeks.
They did give me a ton of information to look through about the drugs, side effects, diet, etc. It's pretty daunting stuff and was no doubt contributing to how I was feeling yesterday.
Do you know though my friends, with each new day, each roller-coaster emotion, each back and forth between okay and not okay, God is so incredibly present and faithful. If I started to write down all the ways that he is speaking his love, his presence and his truth to my heart through these days this would turn into a really long update :) but I will share a couple...
Yesterday on Instagram, I saw a post from Ruth Chou Simons. Her posts always catch my attention because they have her stunningly beautiful artwork in them. I so love art - like music and dance it catches the things my heart wants to say and often communicates with a depth that words fall short of fully realizing. Her post was about the power of 'yet', based on Habakkuk 3:17-19. Even though difficulty or challenging things are before us, "yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my Salvation!"
There is a now and a not yet - and both are true. I can both feel the difficulty in real ways and also know with certainty that God is providing everything I need. I often need the reminder that it is okay to be in the tension of both of those things being true, but I know that in the real-life-ness of my need for help, God is so very close.
Another fun way this week that God was speaking his love was through some lovely gifts from friends. As a kid, while and really still as an adult, I have a fascination with infomercials lol. Two of my favs from the '90s were Chia Pets and the Snuggie :) both seemed ridiculous and amazing to me.
And from some lovely friends, who had no idea about my strange love for infomercial things, I received an adorable sloth who grows grass hair and a super snuggly blanket that I can wear! I felt God's gentle whisper to my heart in receiving these saying, "I know you. I see you. You are loved." When we're listening, (and I am not always by any stretch), God is speaking his love to us in all kinds of ways. Through the promises of scripture, through the beauty of art, and through funny adorable sloth heads :)
With a new day, I feel his mercy afresh, and while I know that many more hard moments are coming, I also know that God will be faithfully present in every single one.
Praying you know his love and presence with you today my friends. He is for you and loves you so very much xo
