march 17, 2021
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It's Henry's birthday today! Our littlest man is 7 years old!
I'm so thankful that I'm feeling better this week and am able to enjoy the celebrating fully :)
Another small mercy is that because March Break was moved, the kids are still in school during this full-o'-birthday week, which usually wouldn't be the case. The whole-day celebrations would be a bit much this round so it has worked out well.
I've been thinking much about my mom, Gail, during this season.
I was 7 years old when she died.
I'm not dying of course, and my mind isn't there at all, but I have been thinking about Henry now; what he's experiencing and what he will remember and hold on to from this season.
I can remember going into my parents' bedroom when mom was sick. I remember seeing her, looking hardly at all like herself, and how very tired and done she seemed to be. I remember knowing that it was too much to tell her all the things that I normally would or to stay too long beside her because she needed to rest.
Those pieces break my heart just a little, and I want to remember the delicate see-saw of grace for myself and also making sure I choose to use my energy in the harder days on the moments that matter the most.
Other impressions that stand out to me from the season of my mom's illness and death are of course, sadness. But also security. I don't remember being afraid; I don't remember being unsure of being loved at any moment; and as I look back now over many years I am always awed by the faithful way God carried not only me, but every member of our family through such a life-changing, difficult time.
There are also rich, wonderful gifts that came in the wake of difficulty and loss:
- A beautiful Mama who I love so much, who shines the love & care of Jesus in amazing ways.
- An amazing baby brother who completes our sibling set perfectly and whose faith & compassionate heart both challenge me in the best ways and and make me so incredibly proud of him. He is Henry's match in our sibling quartets!
- A Daddy who modelled what trust & joy look like in the middle of grief; who put his hope solidly in the Lord and taught us how to as well xo
- So many others in our family and in our church community who surrounded us with love, care & closeness - so much in the same way our family is experiencing now. The beauty of a burden lessened when it is shared.
- And a deep, full knowledge of God's provision and faithfulness that comes when we walk hard things and see all the ways God weaves his purpose, his good, his heart, right into the fabric of who we are as we trust in him.
He is so so good.
And so my prayer echoes these many mercies for my sweet Henry man today -
That above all he would remember the sureness that grounds us in this season.
That he will know that he is loved beyond measure - by Nathan and I and also by Jesus.
That he will continue to grow to understand that God is with him and for him in every season of life, and that he can trust in the love of God no matter what may come.
And that he will love God with his whole being, and will share Jesus with those around him in the ways that only he can.
May he know you Jesus. May your faithfulness shape his life as it has mine.
My mom loved to write also. It has been such a gift as we've grown up to have her thoughts, prayers and even idiosyncrasies recorded for us to read & hold as pieces of her.
She had such a beautiful faith in Jesus and a wonderfully poetic heart.
Here's a poem prayer she wrote, and in a bring-on-the-tears, makes my heart so happy kind of way, it is as if it's written from my own self too:
Tomorrow is a great big question mark.
That is rather scary, really.
But some things I know - it will be
alive
real
significant
I will laugh,
cry,
learn,
grow.
I will love.
And You, my Lord, will always be
right there.
A question mark?
Not really!
- Gail Cotie
xo
