february 12, 2021
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Oy vey team -
It has not been awesome the last couple of days. Just absolutely everything hurts - even things that don't make sense like my knee caps are really not happy.
I think that this bone, joint, muscle, everything pain is from an injection I took the day after chemo to help my body rally and be okay for the next round.
It's a bizarro mental loop to think that the thing causing all the pain is to help counter the medicine that is to help stop the cancer... sort of layers the awfulness of what I'm fighting in my body in a new, now feel-able way.
I feel like I'm sick for the first real time the last couple of days and that's a bit of a weird thing to come to terms with also... trying to remember that this pain is very temporary, is serving a purpose but also aware that I'll be re-injecting myself with the cause a few more times in the months to come and we'll be back here again - blech.
Because of the constant discomfort - the name of the game is manage and distract and not much else.
But today I also received a book in the mail that I had ordered in the fall, A Rhythm of Prayer, which is a collection of prayers & meditations put together by Sarah Bessey - incredibly well-timed arrival, which is no surprise.
One of the prayers is called: "A Prayer for When You Don't Even Know What You Want..." and it's just an honest breathing in of asking God to be close, letting your heart, your mind, or body cry out for what is needed even when it doesn't exactly make sense.
My body wants the pain to stop.
My heart wants to be able to engage with the kids instead of needing to shelter away and rest.
My spirit knows that Jesus is close - as close as breath, and that he knows my every need - body, mind and spirit.
Trusting that relief will come and thankful for your prayers that carry us in the days when even words and focus feel like work. Knowing strongly we are held and that we're okay xo
