february 14, 2021
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hey friends -
It has been better the last day and a bit - thanks so much for your prayers and love.
The pain & discomfort have definitely lessened and I'm so thankful.
I was thinking this morning when I woke up about what I give my attention to... and the choice that I have in that.
When I woke up the first thing that I felt was pain... general discomfort and just feeling foreign in my own body.
It's upsetting to awaken from peaceful, restful sleep to be so unhappy in your body and know that a day that you wouldn't really choose is in front of you...
But then I lay for a few moments more... and Jesus, in his sweet, fresh mercy, gently reminded that I could choose again to lift my gaze to him. I lay still and noticed the sunshine coming in the window, heard the sounds of an incredible Daddy making pink-heart pancakes for all his valentines downstairs, remembered the gift of a Sunday morning where we will gather together from our own homes to sing & speak the truths and purpose that ground who I am.
What a beautiful reset to the beginning of the day - the pain still there, but not the most pressing thing anymore.
It's not easy though... I think that it's very natural and regular for the hard, hurtful, difficult things to dominate in our minds because we want them to be put right; we want goodness for ourselves and others.
But there is something so strong & redemptive when we are able to choose to see light in the middle of darkness.
We kind of know this to be true I think, but it's another thing to practice it. And while it's not easy, and I am no expert, I think the more we practice it, the easier it becomes.
So here's to a season where I'll have lots of chances to practice :)
Another sweet, repeated reminder for me always is that I don't have to do any of the practicing or seeing in my strength alone... I do need to choose it, but even when I step meekly forward asking for God to show me how to choose joy again, to see possibility and light and dancing, he's there with me so fully. So ready to pour out his love with each new day.
He has also given us the wonderful gift of each other in the middle of this practicing, so that we can help one another along and remind each other to lift our eyes again. I am truly so thankful for all the ways others have been sending encouragement and love - it's not always my favourite to be on the receiving end, but it is such a gift in this season.
Feeling thankful friends
And I know that's nothing to take lightly in this season. It's a small but significant victory to celebrate and cherish today.
I found this prayer by Walter Brueggemann in my Bible today too - it's helpful sometimes to have the words of others to speak our hearts:
Holy God, to whom we turn in our trouble
And from whom we receive life and well being
Even in the face of death - all the deaths of our lives.
We gladly and without reservation assert:
You are the one who gives life;
You are the one who hears our prayers;
You are the one who turns our jungles of threat into peaceable zones of life;
You are the one who has kept us since birth,
Who stands by us in our failures and shame;
Who moves against our anxiety to make us free.
You are the one who does not hide your face when we call.
So we praise you. We worship you. We adore you.
We yield our life over to you in glad thanksgiving.
And as an act of praise, we submit our sickness and our death to you.
As an act of praise, we submit more and more of our own life to you.
As an act of praise we say "yes" to you and to your rule over us.
We say "yes, yes,"
Amen and amen.
Praying you can say yes to Jesus today wherever you need to - and that you'll know the fullness of his love for you as you head into a new week xo
As two other very random notes to include in this update... I continue to not really know what is best to share or not... and I am very aware that I get rambly and repetitive in my communication, especially when I'm in the middle of learning and processing myself...
All of that to just say thanks for the space that you all create for me to share - it's helpful for my heart to have a spot to speak and while it continues to be a bit bizarre to just ramble away, it's also so good for me to write down what's on my heart and mind, even just for my own self to sit in it fully. I'm grateful.
Also, it's Valentine's Day and I started to write a blurb about Nathan and how absolutely wonderful he is... but we don't really do that kind of thing lol :) I would, however, never want to take for granted the gift that it is to be so fully loved, known, cared for, and safe to be completely all the things that I am because of Nathan - he is absolutely wonderful and he is holding us all together in all the ways right now.
I am the most thankful for him in this season and always xo
(And he will love that I included that :))
