february 26, 2021
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This morning Eloise was having a bit of hard time handling the start of the day... she's definitely one of our extroverted feelers, and this morning it was obvious that she was feeling in a big way.
No one would blame her... it's Friday after a full-week of back to school, which hasn't happened in quite a while... she has two younger brothers who unfortunately find delight in getting a big reaction from her and were a bit relentless this morning... she's deep into a library book she's been waiting weeks to read and didn't want to put it down to get dressed... and she's 10:) Plenty of reasons to explain a hard start to the day... but still, as I talked to her in the middle of one of many outbursts, I reminded her that she has a choice in how she responds. That maybe she should choose to sit down, breathe for a minute and think about what is really causing her to feel so deeply; to let her awareness bring calm. Also, I gave her a big hug, and often just being held and feeling the things makes an absolute world of difference.
I share this real-time snapshot for a couple of reasons, but mostly because I am learning again the same things that I was trying to direct my beautiful daughter towards this morning...
It has been a week of feeling. Several days this week the tears have been ever-near the surface or flowing freely and I have been feeling all the things - sadness, loneliness, boredom, fear, despair, even self-pity...
And not unlike Ella, I have resisted the core of the feelings, trying instead to distract, numb or deny in some cases.
Most commonly, my tendency is to just want to jump back to being okay. I'm so very confident in God's faithfulness and provision and just want to be good; to know and be solidly in a place of joy, hope and peace.
But of course, it's not one or the other, and there's no way around the feeling as part of the process.
Today, Jesus has been teaching me again that, in fact, through is the way of abundance.
Through is painful, messy, full of discomfort and oh it's often so very slow lol... feels like I'm always looping back through places I've been before, re-learning, re-hearing, re-discovering truth that I thought was already rooted in my heart. And it is, and it isn't... and it's through where it will continue to grow and push down deeper still, firmer and fuller.
Did you ever read a book yourself but then also study it with a group? Between high school and university combined, I studied The Heart of Darkness four different times. It's a pretty short, kind of bizarre book, but each time I studied it with others, asking questions, considering perspectives, it became richer and I really, really love it now. (Nathan thinks I'm a bit nuts :)) Sometimes when I've seen a movie before, I like to re-watch just the good parts, the group dances, happy moments and all-loose-ends-resolved wrap-up... but of course, it's not the same and never as good. If you skip the difficulty, the resolution is hollow. If you read only the surface, or only for the main point, the deeper meaning & layered context is missed...
The middle matters. And here we are.. living the middle - in all it's messy, hard, painful, boring, regular, wonderfulness. Can't skip over it or the goodness will be depleted or even missed altogether.
So here we are, feeling the things. And it's necessary because this is what it means to be present to our lives, to what is happening right in front of us and within us as well.
Being present to our life and to today is the only way to be awake to what God is doing around us and in us. We can learn from the past and we can hope for the future, but to experience the life-giving, moving, loving, presence of God we need to be present to it right now.
Sometimes our present is not what we want, and so we try to live somewhere else - maybe through books or television, through memories or plans. Of course, none of those things are bad, in fact they're great in all kinds of ways. But we do need to be awake to our own lives today to experience the fullness God has for us and to notice the ways he wants to show us more of his heart.
Being awake to life right now is not awesome in some ways. I'd rather hide away a bit... pretending I don't have cancer, or just quickly and quietly survive through it so I can return to actual full living as I'd like to.
And who would blame me? Like 10 year old Eloise, I have plenty of reasons currently to feel the things and want to skip over this part...
But actually, painful as it is, I want to choose to be fully present to what is happening and what I'm feeling. I want to go through so that I can be very much in the midst of all the things Jesus will show me, unearth in me, undo, break down, plant and grow right in the middle of who I am.
And I want this messy, uncomfortable, slow way because I know for sure it will be so so good.
I know that my gracious Father will be gentle, compassionate and patient on the way, one day at a time, and that he'll keep on teaching me how to be gentle with myself as well.
I know that I will be more truly me as I surrender to his Spirit and allow him to be continually remaking me in his image, experiencing his kingdom come in my very own body & soul.
At the risk of going on for too long :) a couple of other things to share and leave in this space for myself and maybe for others as well are below...
Be blessed friends... be in the middle of wherever you are, and may you know God's deep affection & nearness.
And wherever you find yourself today, you don't need to do any of the feeling, learning or being on your own. Some of the words in the prayer below are from an encouragement from a friend, the song shared by another, and even just in the time that it has taken me to type all of this today I have had messages, gifts of encouragement, prayers and reminders from 7 others - we know God's closeness & love through each other and I'm so very grateful xo
Here's a prayer I wrote to Jesus in the middle of the feeling, trying to fall asleep with so much heaviness on my heart:
even in the in-between
you are close
as close as breath;
come Jesus
come & let me rest in you
come with your living water
that fully satisfies
and it will be well
come with your understanding of every need,
and every weakness,
every part of the undoing, the breaking apart
of body, mind & strength
I know, Jesus, that you are for me
& that your invitation to be wholly loved and wholly myself with you
is not dependent on my state or my measure of strength
in any moment
the 'as I am' right now
is small, weak, weary
& afraid that I will not have enough
for all that is still coming
but Jesus, you call me blessed
as I realize my need for you afresh
you call me blessed
as you comfort & hold me tenderly in sorrow
you call me blessed as in my own experience of difficulty
my heart is cracked open in new ways
to see the chronic pain & suffering of others
you call me blessed
because I see more clearly
as I draw close to you
your deep love & peace
settle my heart
and I wonder why I ever hesitate to run right away into your love
the fear of discomfort,
the effort of feeling the weight & loss
make me hesitate
so sometimes I hide, distract, numb or deny
but Jesus, you are found in the real,
weighty, broken-down places;
not because you desire the breaking,
but because you are a God who binds up the broken-hearted,
& brings new life from a seeming death
I praise you my Jesus
here I am, again
broken, ready, yours
And a song on repeat the last couple of days, making space for the feelings to come and ushering in an awareness of God's ever-closeness:
Shiloh - Audrey Assad
Haunted by grey ghosts
You live in your stories
Hunted by shadows
What you'd rather not know
What will your heart do?
What will you let go?
Calm the raging of the wound
May your healing
Be a clearing in the wood
May you breathe in
Deeper than you ever could before
So you can grieve it (you can let it go, you can let it go)
And draw it towards you
Catch and release it (you can let it go, you can let it go)
Let them be cleansing (you can let it go, you can let it go)
Washing your heart so
You can be mending (you can let it go, you can let it go)
Calm the raging of the wound
May your healing
Be a clearing in the wood
May you breathe in
Deeper than you ever could before
For every seed there's a time to grow
A time to grow through yesterday's curtains
Maybe you'll open a window, a window
Everything bleeding
Can be made whole
Can be made whole
Where everything shattered
Baby, you'll find your Shiloh
Your Shiloh
Calm the raging of the wound
And may your healing
Be a clearing in the wood
May you breathe in
Deeper than you ever could before
